And now for your viewing pleasure…

okay, and mine.

You’re very welcome.

How Laura looks when she sleeps.

Really funny.

I hate your children. I will eat them.

If you work in customer service long enough (which truthfully is always too long), you will start to develop a hatred of children.  Specifically, other people’s children.  Not having any of my own, I have nothing to compare to the spoiled fuck trophies that enter my store and by extension my personal space daily, but I do possess some insights as an objective third party who thinks your kid is the spawn of Satan.

I know you probably think your child is “gifted” and is “expressing hirself” by smearing ketchup packets all over the table I just cleaned (for you, at your request, even though it was already clean), but I, as the person who has to clean up after YOUR child (obviously being out in public means you are no longer responsible for your own offspring), want to teach you a thing or five about bringing your children into the public sphere.

1. Order for hir.  Your kid is fucking annoying and I don’t want to wait ten minutes for hir to decide zie wants lettuce on hir sandwich.  You know what your kid will eat, zie does not.  I have other customers waiting who know what they want, and they hate your kid, too.

2. Don’t sit your kid on my counter. Seriously.  Who the fuck thinks that’s a good idea?  If zie falls off, I’m going to walk into the back and pretend I never saw it.  Especially if zie cries.  Also, kids are dirty, and yours probably shit hir pants in the parking lot, and now you’re rubbing it all over my counter WHERE I PUT YOUR FOOD.  Do you let your kid sit on your dining room table at home?  I didn’t think so.

3. Don’t let hir touch things. Anything.  Until you leave my store, preferably.  That means, don’t let hir put sticky fingers on anything, don’t let hir play with bags of potato chips and drop them on the ground repeatedly, don’t let hir put hir peanut-buttery(?) hands all over my clean glass.  If zie breaks something or musses it up too badly, I can’t sell it, which means it comes out in the food cost, for me and ultimately, for you.

Hates his tomatoes.

4. Keep your child quiet. I know kids are naturally rambunctious and loud, and some noise is to be expected.  But if zie starts screaming hir fool head off in my store and scaring away my customers because zie hates tomatoes, I’m going to ask you to leave.

5. Lastly, encourage your kids to clean up after themselves.  It’s really a common courtesy, and it makes things easier for both you and me.  I know adults have this issue, too, but it’s really a good idea to teach them early on.  I know a lot of people hate to think of the poor schmucks behind the counter as actual human beings, but I’m pretty sure if I came to your house for dinner, spilled half a bag of Fritos on the floor and left them there, I wouldn’t be invited back.

That’s it, folks!  Not too difficult, right?  So if you could please take these pieces of advice and apply them to your parenting, that would be great.

I’m back from my super-secret mission!

As you may or may not know, I have been on a super-secret mission for some time now.  This mission may or may not have included work, work, beer, work, Sarah Silverman, work, beer, the Superbowl, work, work, work, more beer, and sleeping(?), while not having internet to update everyone.

But now I have internet! (Kind of.)  Which means I can blog!

All of the fish I had the last time I actually updated have died.  On Christmas Eve.  I know.  But now we have two new fish, a black moor and a gorgeous (for a fish) redcap oranda (both fancy goldfish types) named Hamlet and Victor, respectively.  (The orandas have a bubble-head, and in Harry Potter book 4, Victor Krum performs a bubble-head charm.  >__> Yeah.)

I’m currently training to be an Assistant Manager at the sandwich shop that shall not be named, so I’ve been working a lot, with the added benefit of free food!  Which means that I’ve been eating a lot of sandwiches, lately.

Last night the missus and I watched a movie in which the lovely Amber Benson was a star.  Unfortunately, it was quite possibly the worst movie ever made.  Ever.  I won’t even tell you what it was called, lest you become curious enough to subject yourself to the horror of that film.  I tell you this because it is becoming clear to me that picking movies based on who is in them may not be the best method for finding decent movies, because a lot of my favorite actors are in reeeeeeally shitty movies. (*cough*TarynManning*cough*)

But the missus is home now, so we’re going to settle in.  Later babes.

in which I explain where the hell I’ve been

The short answer: Working!  I have been working like a motherfucker, it seems.  And when I am not, I’m sleeping or playing video games or hanging out with friends and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

My birthday was last month, which was celebrated thoroughly and excessively, followed by work and a hangover the next day–not to mention my boss all dressed up as a polar bear.

The missus and I went out and bought a Christmas tree the other day and set it up (just because I’m not a Christian doesn’t mean I can’t put a fake fucking pine tree in my house and slap a Santa hat on the top), and hung five stockings on the wall.  (Yes, FIVE stockings.  We have too many animals for our apartment.)  Then our friends came over and we sat around and watched the tree because it’s almost winter and that’s what the fuck you do in the Midwest.  (Other things you do in the Midwest: put ranch dressing on everything, become Lutheran, make casseroles.)

The missus and I are now staying at my dad’s for the weekend while he’s shooting cute innocent animals in the head to make delicious tasty stews.  Including his two dogs and the cavalcade of animals we brought, there are five animals in this house this weekend, and the only thing I can do to distract myself is watch Roseanne marathons on TVLand.

So, while you’re sitting there with your fancy-pants high-speed internet connection and food that is not macaroni and cheese, complaining about not being able to get tickets to the new Twilight movie (give me a break, seriously), I’m playing solitaire waiting for pages to load and trying to get the dogs to stop gnawing on my cats.

Amusing anecdote of the week: A friend gets a friend a kitten as a surprise.  A friend enlists other friends to get necessary items for the kitten to survive (litter box, food) at local giant department/grocery store.  Friends go to LGDGS with kitten hidden underneath friend 1’s coat.  Kitten starts to meow.  Friend 2 starts to meow at random intervals, which makes her look like  a freak.  Friends check out.  Kitten starts clawing up Friend 1’s back and pokes head out of the back of coat.  A friend pulls Friend 1’s hood up.  Friend 1 stops at the doors, sniffs, then looks inside her coat, where kitten has had MASSIVE EXPLOSIVE DIHERREA all over the coat and shirt.  Friends venture outside laughing, where Friend 1 strips down in the parking lot and is given a sweater by Friend 2, all while a creepy guy in an orange truck watches.  Hilarity ensues on the drive home and now there is a story to tell everyone on the face of the planet.

So!

There has been a severe lack of posts lately!  I know this to be true!  This is for three reasons!

The first: AT&T sucks balls!  Like, bigtime!  So much so that I cancelled their service today!

The second: The missus broke the computer!  As in, overheated the monitor chip, so that needs to be replaced soon-ish.  Until then, I am only able to access the internet from my phone, or as in the case of right now, at my friend’s house.

The third: Life is crazy, yo!  I quit my weekend job, which means I’ll be getting more hours at my ‘real’ job, which means less time to blog!  But I promise once I get the computer/internet thing figured out, I will be blogging regularly again.

So, in the meantime, thank you for your patience.

I hope everything is right in your world, and I’ll be back to you as soon as possible.

Note: I found out today that I had a couple of comments that were somehow sent to my spam box!  I have since approved those comments, and I’m sorry if they’ve been in limbo for a while.  It’s also nice to see that people are actually reading this (people I don’t know irl, even)!  I was not expecting that, so, thanks guys.  🙂

On a personal note:

The missus and my 2 year anniversary is coming up this month, and she’s planning something special, but won’t tell me what it is.  So I am excited.

It’s been really crappy and cold here but the sun came out for the first time today just a few moments ago and it’s shining through my window and giving me a little energy boost, which I desperately need in order to get anything done around here today.

We preordered the entire L Word series the other night (it’s my new addiction), and are both excited for it to get here (who wants to have L Word night?).

I’m going to go return bottles at the grocery store, and maybe get some nice-smelling coffee beans to put in our giant coffee cup that has no purpose (other than to be a giant coffee cup).  Or maybe I’ll fill it with candy.

Laura got her hair cut really short (it’s actually shorter than mine!) and she looks supercute and adorable.

UPDATE: I settled on miniature chocolates.