I hate your children. I will eat them.

If you work in customer service long enough (which truthfully is always too long), you will start to develop a hatred of children.  Specifically, other people’s children.  Not having any of my own, I have nothing to compare to the spoiled fuck trophies that enter my store and by extension my personal space daily, but I do possess some insights as an objective third party who thinks your kid is the spawn of Satan.

I know you probably think your child is “gifted” and is “expressing hirself” by smearing ketchup packets all over the table I just cleaned (for you, at your request, even though it was already clean), but I, as the person who has to clean up after YOUR child (obviously being out in public means you are no longer responsible for your own offspring), want to teach you a thing or five about bringing your children into the public sphere.

1. Order for hir.  Your kid is fucking annoying and I don’t want to wait ten minutes for hir to decide zie wants lettuce on hir sandwich.  You know what your kid will eat, zie does not.  I have other customers waiting who know what they want, and they hate your kid, too.

2. Don’t sit your kid on my counter. Seriously.  Who the fuck thinks that’s a good idea?  If zie falls off, I’m going to walk into the back and pretend I never saw it.  Especially if zie cries.  Also, kids are dirty, and yours probably shit hir pants in the parking lot, and now you’re rubbing it all over my counter WHERE I PUT YOUR FOOD.  Do you let your kid sit on your dining room table at home?  I didn’t think so.

3. Don’t let hir touch things. Anything.  Until you leave my store, preferably.  That means, don’t let hir put sticky fingers on anything, don’t let hir play with bags of potato chips and drop them on the ground repeatedly, don’t let hir put hir peanut-buttery(?) hands all over my clean glass.  If zie breaks something or musses it up too badly, I can’t sell it, which means it comes out in the food cost, for me and ultimately, for you.

Hates his tomatoes.

4. Keep your child quiet. I know kids are naturally rambunctious and loud, and some noise is to be expected.  But if zie starts screaming hir fool head off in my store and scaring away my customers because zie hates tomatoes, I’m going to ask you to leave.

5. Lastly, encourage your kids to clean up after themselves.  It’s really a common courtesy, and it makes things easier for both you and me.  I know adults have this issue, too, but it’s really a good idea to teach them early on.  I know a lot of people hate to think of the poor schmucks behind the counter as actual human beings, but I’m pretty sure if I came to your house for dinner, spilled half a bag of Fritos on the floor and left them there, I wouldn’t be invited back.

That’s it, folks!  Not too difficult, right?  So if you could please take these pieces of advice and apply them to your parenting, that would be great.


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