Category Archives: cat

in which I explain where the hell I’ve been

The short answer: Working!  I have been working like a motherfucker, it seems.  And when I am not, I’m sleeping or playing video games or hanging out with friends and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

My birthday was last month, which was celebrated thoroughly and excessively, followed by work and a hangover the next day–not to mention my boss all dressed up as a polar bear.

The missus and I went out and bought a Christmas tree the other day and set it up (just because I’m not a Christian doesn’t mean I can’t put a fake fucking pine tree in my house and slap a Santa hat on the top), and hung five stockings on the wall.  (Yes, FIVE stockings.  We have too many animals for our apartment.)  Then our friends came over and we sat around and watched the tree because it’s almost winter and that’s what the fuck you do in the Midwest.  (Other things you do in the Midwest: put ranch dressing on everything, become Lutheran, make casseroles.)

The missus and I are now staying at my dad’s for the weekend while he’s shooting cute innocent animals in the head to make delicious tasty stews.  Including his two dogs and the cavalcade of animals we brought, there are five animals in this house this weekend, and the only thing I can do to distract myself is watch Roseanne marathons on TVLand.

So, while you’re sitting there with your fancy-pants high-speed internet connection and food that is not macaroni and cheese, complaining about not being able to get tickets to the new Twilight movie (give me a break, seriously), I’m playing solitaire waiting for pages to load and trying to get the dogs to stop gnawing on my cats.

Amusing anecdote of the week: A friend gets a friend a kitten as a surprise.  A friend enlists other friends to get necessary items for the kitten to survive (litter box, food) at local giant department/grocery store.  Friends go to LGDGS with kitten hidden underneath friend 1’s coat.  Kitten starts to meow.  Friend 2 starts to meow at random intervals, which makes her look like  a freak.  Friends check out.  Kitten starts clawing up Friend 1’s back and pokes head out of the back of coat.  A friend pulls Friend 1’s hood up.  Friend 1 stops at the doors, sniffs, then looks inside her coat, where kitten has had MASSIVE EXPLOSIVE DIHERREA all over the coat and shirt.  Friends venture outside laughing, where Friend 1 strips down in the parking lot and is given a sweater by Friend 2, all while a creepy guy in an orange truck watches.  Hilarity ensues on the drive home and now there is a story to tell everyone on the face of the planet.

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