Category Archives: dog

in which I explain where the hell I’ve been

The short answer: Working!  I have been working like a motherfucker, it seems.  And when I am not, I’m sleeping or playing video games or hanging out with friends and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

My birthday was last month, which was celebrated thoroughly and excessively, followed by work and a hangover the next day–not to mention my boss all dressed up as a polar bear.

The missus and I went out and bought a Christmas tree the other day and set it up (just because I’m not a Christian doesn’t mean I can’t put a fake fucking pine tree in my house and slap a Santa hat on the top), and hung five stockings on the wall.  (Yes, FIVE stockings.  We have too many animals for our apartment.)  Then our friends came over and we sat around and watched the tree because it’s almost winter and that’s what the fuck you do in the Midwest.  (Other things you do in the Midwest: put ranch dressing on everything, become Lutheran, make casseroles.)

The missus and I are now staying at my dad’s for the weekend while he’s shooting cute innocent animals in the head to make delicious tasty stews.  Including his two dogs and the cavalcade of animals we brought, there are five animals in this house this weekend, and the only thing I can do to distract myself is watch Roseanne marathons on TVLand.

So, while you’re sitting there with your fancy-pants high-speed internet connection and food that is not macaroni and cheese, complaining about not being able to get tickets to the new Twilight movie (give me a break, seriously), I’m playing solitaire waiting for pages to load and trying to get the dogs to stop gnawing on my cats.

Amusing anecdote of the week: A friend gets a friend a kitten as a surprise.  A friend enlists other friends to get necessary items for the kitten to survive (litter box, food) at local giant department/grocery store.  Friends go to LGDGS with kitten hidden underneath friend 1’s coat.  Kitten starts to meow.  Friend 2 starts to meow at random intervals, which makes her look like  a freak.  Friends check out.  Kitten starts clawing up Friend 1’s back and pokes head out of the back of coat.  A friend pulls Friend 1’s hood up.  Friend 1 stops at the doors, sniffs, then looks inside her coat, where kitten has had MASSIVE EXPLOSIVE DIHERREA all over the coat and shirt.  Friends venture outside laughing, where Friend 1 strips down in the parking lot and is given a sweater by Friend 2, all while a creepy guy in an orange truck watches.  Hilarity ensues on the drive home and now there is a story to tell everyone on the face of the planet.


grlumph!: or, how I feel today.

The dog woke me up at 8:30 this morning because there was no way she could possibly hold it any longer and she needed to go outside RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.  So I rolled my ass out of bed, took her out, she did her business, and we came back in.  The missus was still asleep, so I crawled back into bed and got online for a little bit, which eventually woke her up.  We got around and I took her to work shortly before 11, came back and the FUCKING DOG had torn apart a roll (the last roll) of toilet paper and strewn it all across the apartment, and shit not once, but TWICE, in the dining room.

We are not currently friends.

I also had a weird dream last night where I was me, but in dude-form, and I shot myself in the chest with a rifle of some sort and lived, and then everyone wanted to see the scar.  Also in part of the dream I cut a kid’s belt in half with a pair of scissors and his mom made me pay to replace it, which was going to cost $108, to which I was like, “How the fuck are you going to spend $108 on a belt for an eight year old?”  Also there was something about dogs and pouring concrete and possibly a skunk that almost sprayed my friend’s cat.  There were demon thingies and the missus and I were giving a bible lesson to some kids, one of which was Liberty from Degrassi, who for some inexplicable and out-of-character reason, was late.

My dream sequence is on crack.

Dog days.

Yesterday the missus and the bestie and I stopped by the local Humane Society to take a look (we do this fairly often) without any intention to adopt (we all live in apartments and have the max. allowed number of animals). We found a female terrier mix, Flora, who had been a stray. She was very scared and skittish, and apparently had nipped at a few people (there were two signs on her cage that warned of her biting).

We wanted to take her out and play with her, because she seemed really sweet, if a little frightened. The women at the desk actually advised us not to take her out to play with her (“she’s not the best dog for that sort of thing” I believe were the exact words one of them used). Basically, they had given up on her. They did (reluctantly) let us take her out, and she warmed up very quickly, and stopped her shaking and started wagging her tail and giving us kisses (didn’t try to bite us once). We decided that we wanted her.

Problem: I filled out an application (we had to, to play with her), on which I wrote that we have two cats (we do, and we’re only paying rent for one of them–as far as the apartment complex is concerned, Gir does not exist). And according to the Humane Society’s Big Book Of Stupid Rules, my apartment complex only allows one animal per apartment (that’s wrong–it’s actually two, at least it was when we moved in). The lady at the desk said that she would call the complex to check on the policy, and that we could place a hold on her until she got a yes or no.

The worst case scenario is that we won’t get the dog and that we have to start paying for Gir. Which, after stressing about it all last night, I’m coming to terms with. But I still want the dog to go to a loving home, which I’m afraid won’t happen if they keep scaring potential owners away with bite signs. When we were holding her, several people commented on how cute she was, and generally cooing over her, but at the end of our visit, she was back in her cage with giant orange signs warning people away.

This is Flora.

She is three years old and very sweet. She is good with dogs and cats, but gets nervous around small children. Her adoption fee is $125, which includes shots and spaying. She must be spayed before she’s allowed to leave the Humane Society, and is available for adoption on July 28th (that’s this coming Tuesday).

If you are not able to take on a dog at this point, please take the time to write the Genesee Humane Society to ask them to take the bite signs down and stop discouraging people from considering her for adoption. No animal should be given up on so easily.

Here is the contact info:
(Snail mail) Genesee Humane Society
PO Box 190138
Burton, MI 48519

(Phone) 810-744-0511


I should know by Tuesday if we’re getting the dog (which is not probable), and I’ll let you know what happens.

UPDATE: We were approved! Flora comes home with us tomorrow.