Category Archives: Uncategorized

I hate your children. I will eat them.

If you work in customer service long enough (which truthfully is always too long), you will start to develop a hatred of children.  Specifically, other people’s children.  Not having any of my own, I have nothing to compare to the spoiled fuck trophies that enter my store and by extension my personal space daily, but I do possess some insights as an objective third party who thinks your kid is the spawn of Satan.

I know you probably think your child is “gifted” and is “expressing hirself” by smearing ketchup packets all over the table I just cleaned (for you, at your request, even though it was already clean), but I, as the person who has to clean up after YOUR child (obviously being out in public means you are no longer responsible for your own offspring), want to teach you a thing or five about bringing your children into the public sphere.

1. Order for hir.  Your kid is fucking annoying and I don’t want to wait ten minutes for hir to decide zie wants lettuce on hir sandwich.  You know what your kid will eat, zie does not.  I have other customers waiting who know what they want, and they hate your kid, too.

2. Don’t sit your kid on my counter. Seriously.  Who the fuck thinks that’s a good idea?  If zie falls off, I’m going to walk into the back and pretend I never saw it.  Especially if zie cries.  Also, kids are dirty, and yours probably shit hir pants in the parking lot, and now you’re rubbing it all over my counter WHERE I PUT YOUR FOOD.  Do you let your kid sit on your dining room table at home?  I didn’t think so.

3. Don’t let hir touch things. Anything.  Until you leave my store, preferably.  That means, don’t let hir put sticky fingers on anything, don’t let hir play with bags of potato chips and drop them on the ground repeatedly, don’t let hir put hir peanut-buttery(?) hands all over my clean glass.  If zie breaks something or musses it up too badly, I can’t sell it, which means it comes out in the food cost, for me and ultimately, for you.

Hates his tomatoes.

4. Keep your child quiet. I know kids are naturally rambunctious and loud, and some noise is to be expected.  But if zie starts screaming hir fool head off in my store and scaring away my customers because zie hates tomatoes, I’m going to ask you to leave.

5. Lastly, encourage your kids to clean up after themselves.  It’s really a common courtesy, and it makes things easier for both you and me.  I know adults have this issue, too, but it’s really a good idea to teach them early on.  I know a lot of people hate to think of the poor schmucks behind the counter as actual human beings, but I’m pretty sure if I came to your house for dinner, spilled half a bag of Fritos on the floor and left them there, I wouldn’t be invited back.

That’s it, folks!  Not too difficult, right?  So if you could please take these pieces of advice and apply them to your parenting, that would be great.



There has been a severe lack of posts lately!  I know this to be true!  This is for three reasons!

The first: AT&T sucks balls!  Like, bigtime!  So much so that I cancelled their service today!

The second: The missus broke the computer!  As in, overheated the monitor chip, so that needs to be replaced soon-ish.  Until then, I am only able to access the internet from my phone, or as in the case of right now, at my friend’s house.

The third: Life is crazy, yo!  I quit my weekend job, which means I’ll be getting more hours at my ‘real’ job, which means less time to blog!  But I promise once I get the computer/internet thing figured out, I will be blogging regularly again.

So, in the meantime, thank you for your patience.

I hope everything is right in your world, and I’ll be back to you as soon as possible.

Note: I found out today that I had a couple of comments that were somehow sent to my spam box!  I have since approved those comments, and I’m sorry if they’ve been in limbo for a while.  It’s also nice to see that people are actually reading this (people I don’t know irl, even)!  I was not expecting that, so, thanks guys.  🙂

On a personal note:

The missus and my 2 year anniversary is coming up this month, and she’s planning something special, but won’t tell me what it is.  So I am excited.

It’s been really crappy and cold here but the sun came out for the first time today just a few moments ago and it’s shining through my window and giving me a little energy boost, which I desperately need in order to get anything done around here today.

We preordered the entire L Word series the other night (it’s my new addiction), and are both excited for it to get here (who wants to have L Word night?).

I’m going to go return bottles at the grocery store, and maybe get some nice-smelling coffee beans to put in our giant coffee cup that has no purpose (other than to be a giant coffee cup).  Or maybe I’ll fill it with candy.

Laura got her hair cut really short (it’s actually shorter than mine!) and she looks supercute and adorable.

UPDATE: I settled on miniature chocolates.


I have temporarily snapped out of my L Word-induced coma to bring you a post without much purpose other than to tell you that it’s my birthday this month!

So you should buy me things!

I have a wish list!  On!

That’s all!

Guys, I totes have The Swine Flu.

I woke up this morning at 5 because there was this terrible fucking smell in my apartment.  I had no idea what it was, but it woke me up from my sleep, so I searched the house high and low trying to locate the source.  It smelled like gas, and I checked the stove but it was off.  I eventually gave up and went back to sleep, and when I woke up, it was gone.  I think it might have been from the expressway which is pretty much right next to my window, and holy jesus there was a lot of traffic at 5 a.m.

I woke up again at 8:45 because I couldn’t breathe well.  My throat was all scratchy and it hurt to swallow.  I took some ibuprofen, which seemed to help somewhat, took a shower, and went to work.  Which is when the sneezing began.  I actually like sneezing.  It tickles my nose and kind of tickles my brain, too.  But wevs.  I was sneezing all day at work, these tiny, tickling sneezes that didn’t seem to let up.  By the time I got off at three, the sneezing had subsided but the sore throat was back.  I went to see Laura at work before I went home, and my friend Katie happened to be there so I hung out with her while she ate, and then I went home.

And now I’m fucking coughing.  I swear it, you guys, this is the end.

I’m making some ramen and going to try to relax.

In lieu of writing an actual post, I’m going to direct you to the Love Letters Project, which is the neatest thing I’ve stumbled across on the intertubes recently.  I won’t explain, because it does so for itself.

Wish me a speedy recovery, guys, I need it.


At least for a while, guys, sorry.  I have no internet at home currently and life is busy as all fuck.

Apparently things are up and running!

So that’s fantastic.  Blogger is all imported and whatnot, so here goes nothing.

Right now, it’s 2:26 AM EST, so I’m going to go to bed–the missus will be pleased.